RIDING THE CATTLE CAR

All crammed into one brain and no where to go.

Forget talking about sharing a single body, which is presently falling apart (said body) but that’s a whole other part of this frustration. There’s no room to think or move. Not sure of this explanation, but here goes nothing: it’s feeling more cramped inside this time having no system communications. It shouldn’t make a difference, it’s all virtual space, but I think the ‘wool coat’ effect is actually taking up space. Thus the sensation of being herded into a cattle car. We can feel the pressure of the each other, but can’t see or hear one another. From outside the Doc can call us front, that’s handy for her, not doing much for us. Unfortunately it causes a tearing pain, like being pulled thru steel wool. Not a pleasant side effect but we at least have a way of gaining front to speak to the Doc.

There’s a thought that R is causing this effect, if so it’s obvious she’s clueless she’s in control. Monday the Doc thought to draw on an idea that R is playing scripts from the past. Using her authority position, she asked R out front, then flat out told her, “R you need to let Ravin and Pith speak to each other.” She didn’t let R speak, just pulled me front right after. Did I mention the headache? HUGE, as in stabbing pain with a side of blurred vision. Sadly it has had NO effect. Course it might have to sink into R’s mind, which is shut tight and locked.

Pith and I have been writing to each other trying to find some way around this latest D-train derailing. Really none of us want to live like this, we thought we were past this kind of isolation, confusion and threat. I suggested going under again so the Doc could get another crack at helping R look at her obvious connection to the Doctors that abused us. It’s become more and more apparent that she was his ‘painting,’ the face he schooled to present to the world. The ‘mini him’ that would have ‘wowed’ the world, but for the fact that we’re a secret no one was ever to speak of or let see the light of day.

Pith spoke to the Doc Tuesday. Seems they’ve been discussing what could be done to work with R. Pith suggested if the Doc could get R to realize we all would help carry her pain, making it more bearable. Well that’s not first on anyones’ wish list, but we’d all accept that alternative to being dead. It’s just one part of what it driving R. These scripts (because I hate the word program, sounds so wankers) are strong and seem beyond R’s own consciousness.

Wednesday, Pith tranced herself to share front with R while under. The idea was for Pith to try keeping R from breaking the trance. The hope, just maybe R would talk freely without the scripts running. This worked till the Doc pressed R to “remember” what she’d talked about, but Like before R held up her right hand, insisted “Stop!” and broke the trance. It’s a slow business this therapy thing.

Just writing about this to avoid thinking about Ren, a six year old in our system who’s went missing for weeks now. In her place came Half who’s a mix between Chuckie and Gollum but female. Dealing with angry out of control head mates who’s job it is to keep us from stepping off the D-Train and do it with cruelty is challenging to say the least. Not even willing to write about what happened today, it was beyond crazy and scary. 

Ravin

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BUILD IT, D.I.D.

We’ve had many levels of communication with each other in our system. For a long time we could talk face to face inside, then that fell away and we were forced back to journaling, annoying. Really we were all feeling like failures, well not the ones that were causing the separation, they were stoked. Our system is made up of a good many folk, some created by doctors and some by our own sellves.

Pith is reading volumes on childhood development, she wants to understand what was done at each stage and she believes emotional stages were used to their maximum benefit to those who mucked around in our mind/brain. All that mucking becomes the ‘development’ of our system, not created like some would have us believe, but nurtured and not in a ‘good’ way. We believe there has to be some sort of predisposition for multiplicity, since others have had trauma and not turned up with DID. One of the most documented survivor abuse are those of the Holocaust, there was extreme trauma with people ranging in all ages. There are no cases of DID, that’s we’ve found, in Holocaust survivors. Why? Why didn’t children subjected to those abuses develop DID?

Isolation

The adults/children of the Holocaust were not alone, they were part of a community that suffered the abuse together. That’s not to discount the abuse, but it had the component of community, ‘in this together,’ that children abused at home or in a cult don’t generally have.

Looking at our trauma history, it was all about isolation. It was personal. There was no community. Add to that the hook of ‘authentic love’ used to bind people in our system to the abuser and bingo we’re deep in DID territory that looks like it was created after the fact. Still isolation might be the factor in why some trauma can nurture DID while others don’t.

Natural Multiple VS Trauma Based

Here’s the thing, I starting to think they’re one in the same and that’s where predisposition comes to play. If it’s there and no trauma, GREAT, now it’s just about dealing with the day to day of being multiple. (Not that that’s nothing or something, just complicated.) But if all multiples are naturally so, it’s what’s done with that which becomes the system and can be manipulated. It’s become evident that our mind was mucked with by some very knowledgeable folk. People who discovered and nurtured our ability to be multiple to/for their own gains. Pretty damn nifty on their part actually. They apparently were pulling the strings right from the get go.

Still we’re ourselves, they may have called us front, but they didn’t make us multiple. They just used our natural set of selves called front to train and condition. There were those we, as a system, called front but they like the others were there in the soup. There are still more in that soup that have never been called front, sort of like embryos.

For decades we thought we knew what was up with ourselves and our system, then another level unfolded, we thought “okay that was shit, now we can get on with living,” then bottom falls out and we’re on some new level of dysfunction. It’s not that we’re helpless, it’s just frustrating to find out everything we thought we’d worked out/thru is now our goal. But hey, least we know we can get there, we did it before.

Ravin

MY OWN LITTLE X-FILE

I’ve been thinking again about the D-train (dissociation) and how it effects my life. Lets talk ‘bleed thru,” of the ickiness kind. Of that which was our childhood. More and more things are turning up in my level of knowledge. This stuff is NOT comfy. In fact it’s down right X-File! Really… No kidding around.

Pith has done all this research to find out who Ren & hers (and others inside)”doctors” were. What she’s found is just damn creepy and so out there it’s hard to write out loud. I’ve strived all these years to not be a “wingnut” and now it looks like we are by default.
There are HUGE dirty secrets our government doesn’t want known.
Those that talk about it are scorned and called paranoid. Not something I wana go plopping my tail in the middle. Yet I know what I’m experiencing is real, it happened. I wanted to call it imagination or screen memory, but they’re not. This stuff is out of my realm of experience and I’m not prissy. I’ve lived in the underbelly.

My head is a nasty place thanks to the Cold War.

Ravin