How to have a life when everything is wrapped in dark wool?

I don’t know how, why or even if it’s R(headmate) that’s crashed what we’ve spent years working to build and establish as a functional system. The only thing that makes any sense is that it’s something R’s effecting. Not sure it’s consciously but she sure has some element of responsibility. 

Actually, thinking back it started when the Doc insisted that R, “remember to remember.” After that this new swirl of mental cocooness settled over us all, she’s set on denial of us and anything we’ve talked about happening in the past. I finally got a few minutes to talk to J-Doc who said she thinks R is out of touch with her anger. Particularly angry at being ‘damaged’ and the death of M (our oldest son)  On a very deep level they’re weaved together.

Seems R has convinced herself that she made us all up, lies about her life and what was done to her. That she tried to convince her it was all a childish lie. Heh! J-Doc laughed saying we’d be, “up for MULTIPLE (she cracks me up) Academy Awards for presenting as yourselves all these decades!”

Wish someone would tell that one to R. Then again don’t know she’d hear it, she obviously needs to hide on this new D-train. Meanwhile the system is housed in these wool coats of inability to communicate. 



DENIAL: Shut Off

Denial is a part of the “soul murder” that our perpetrators use to keep us forever in their control. What better way to ‘keep us under the thumb’ then to deny our own head-mates their lives that fill all those “empty spaces” in ones history.

Whether we believe our head-mates are parts or people they share a piece of the history of the body. The BODY is the only linear constant we DIDers have. The body has a right to be safe, it’s our responsibility to finally give it safe passage to a ‘regular life’ where the sky might fall, but is totally out of our control.

I think we forget that we’re not just our minds, that the body has been around for the ride the whole time. It’s been the horse we all rode/ride. It’s given us our survival as well, it withstood the torture, harm, near death and stood back up. It doesn’t have one mind riding but MANY and it deserves some cooperation on how it’s ridden. All the SI or near deaths it suffers because of our denial is just more abuse toward the body. How is that right?

Denial is hard to over come, no one says it’s easy. We were conditioned to deny, some of us from before birth. If just one of us steps off the D-train (dissociation) and takes the hand of another there’s really no going back to the closet our perpetrators thought was locked up tight.

Things happen and those walls go flying up, but someone remembers freedom, once tasted it gnaws the gut. It’s like the Passover service that reminds Jews of their journey out of slavery, not just out of the actual bonds, but the mind set of being a slave. It took 40 years because G-d wanted the Jews to over come their denial and enter the world free from the mind set of a slave. This meant when they built the new temple it would have a foundation of freedom. Recovery is just that, building a new temple with a foundation of freedom.

Denial is the bonds of slavery, heavy and hurtful, hard to throw off but worth doing. Even if it takes many many tries to succeed.