All crammed into one brain and no where to go.

Forget talking about sharing a single body, which is presently falling apart (said body) but that’s a whole other part of this frustration. There’s no room to think or move. Not sure of this explanation, but here goes nothing: it’s feeling more cramped inside this time having no system communications. It shouldn’t make a difference, it’s all virtual space, but I think the ‘wool coat’ effect is actually taking up space. Thus the sensation of being herded into a cattle car. We can feel the pressure of the each other, but can’t see or hear one another. From outside the Doc can call us front, that’s handy for her, not doing much for us. Unfortunately it causes a tearing pain, like being pulled thru steel wool. Not a pleasant side effect but we at least have a way of gaining front to speak to the Doc.

There’s a thought that R is causing this effect, if so it’s obvious she’s clueless she’s in control. Monday the Doc thought to draw on an idea that R is playing scripts from the past. Using her authority position, she asked R out front, then flat out told her, “R you need to let Ravin and Pith speak to each other.” She didn’t let R speak, just pulled me front right after. Did I mention the headache? HUGE, as in stabbing pain with a side of blurred vision. Sadly it has had NO effect. Course it might have to sink into R’s mind, which is shut tight and locked.

Pith and I have been writing to each other trying to find some way around this latest D-train derailing. Really none of us want to live like this, we thought we were past this kind of isolation, confusion and threat. I suggested going under again so the Doc could get another crack at helping R look at her obvious connection to the Doctors that abused us. It’s become more and more apparent that she was his ‘painting,’ the face he schooled to present to the world. The ‘mini him’ that would have ‘wowed’ the world, but for the fact that we’re a secret no one was ever to speak of or let see the light of day.

Pith spoke to the Doc Tuesday. Seems they’ve been discussing what could be done to work with R. Pith suggested if the Doc could get R to realize we all would help carry her pain, making it more bearable. Well that’s not first on anyones’ wish list, but we’d all accept that alternative to being dead. It’s just one part of what it driving R. These scripts (because I hate the word program, sounds so wankers) are strong and seem beyond R’s own consciousness.

Wednesday, Pith tranced herself to share front with R while under. The idea was for Pith to try keeping R from breaking the trance. The hope, just maybe R would talk freely without the scripts running. This worked till the Doc pressed R to “remember” what she’d talked about, but Like before R held up her right hand, insisted “Stop!” and broke the trance. It’s a slow business this therapy thing.

Just writing about this to avoid thinking about Ren, a six year old in our system who’s went missing for weeks now. In her place came Half who’s a mix between Chuckie and Gollum but female. Dealing with angry out of control head mates who’s job it is to keep us from stepping off the D-Train and do it with cruelty is challenging to say the least. Not even willing to write about what happened today, it was beyond crazy and scary. 



2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Splinteredones
    Jul 16, 2010 @ 21:46:31

    Oh honey. Call me


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