RIDING THE CATTLE CAR

All crammed into one brain and no where to go.

Forget talking about sharing a single body, which is presently falling apart (said body) but that’s a whole other part of this frustration. There’s no room to think or move. Not sure of this explanation, but here goes nothing: it’s feeling more cramped inside this time having no system communications. It shouldn’t make a difference, it’s all virtual space, but I think the ‘wool coat’ effect is actually taking up space. Thus the sensation of being herded into a cattle car. We can feel the pressure of the each other, but can’t see or hear one another. From outside the Doc can call us front, that’s handy for her, not doing much for us. Unfortunately it causes a tearing pain, like being pulled thru steel wool. Not a pleasant side effect but we at least have a way of gaining front to speak to the Doc.

There’s a thought that R is causing this effect, if so it’s obvious she’s clueless she’s in control. Monday the Doc thought to draw on an idea that R is playing scripts from the past. Using her authority position, she asked R out front, then flat out told her, “R you need to let Ravin and Pith speak to each other.” She didn’t let R speak, just pulled me front right after. Did I mention the headache? HUGE, as in stabbing pain with a side of blurred vision. Sadly it has had NO effect. Course it might have to sink into R’s mind, which is shut tight and locked.

Pith and I have been writing to each other trying to find some way around this latest D-train derailing. Really none of us want to live like this, we thought we were past this kind of isolation, confusion and threat. I suggested going under again so the Doc could get another crack at helping R look at her obvious connection to the Doctors that abused us. It’s become more and more apparent that she was his ‘painting,’ the face he schooled to present to the world. The ‘mini him’ that would have ‘wowed’ the world, but for the fact that we’re a secret no one was ever to speak of or let see the light of day.

Pith spoke to the Doc Tuesday. Seems they’ve been discussing what could be done to work with R. Pith suggested if the Doc could get R to realize we all would help carry her pain, making it more bearable. Well that’s not first on anyones’ wish list, but we’d all accept that alternative to being dead. It’s just one part of what it driving R. These scripts (because I hate the word program, sounds so wankers) are strong and seem beyond R’s own consciousness.

Wednesday, Pith tranced herself to share front with R while under. The idea was for Pith to try keeping R from breaking the trance. The hope, just maybe R would talk freely without the scripts running. This worked till the Doc pressed R to “remember” what she’d talked about, but Like before R held up her right hand, insisted “Stop!” and broke the trance. It’s a slow business this therapy thing.

Just writing about this to avoid thinking about Ren, a six year old in our system who’s went missing for weeks now. In her place came Half who’s a mix between Chuckie and Gollum but female. Dealing with angry out of control head mates who’s job it is to keep us from stepping off the D-Train and do it with cruelty is challenging to say the least. Not even willing to write about what happened today, it was beyond crazy and scary. 

Ravin

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WOOL COAT EFFECT

How to have a life when everything is wrapped in dark wool?

I don’t know how, why or even if it’s R(headmate) that’s crashed what we’ve spent years working to build and establish as a functional system. The only thing that makes any sense is that it’s something R’s effecting. Not sure it’s consciously but she sure has some element of responsibility. 

Actually, thinking back it started when the Doc insisted that R, “remember to remember.” After that this new swirl of mental cocooness settled over us all, she’s set on denial of us and anything we’ve talked about happening in the past. I finally got a few minutes to talk to J-Doc who said she thinks R is out of touch with her anger. Particularly angry at being ‘damaged’ and the death of M (our oldest son)  On a very deep level they’re weaved together.

Seems R has convinced herself that she made us all up, lies about her life and what was done to her. That she tried to convince her it was all a childish lie. Heh! J-Doc laughed saying we’d be, “up for MULTIPLE (she cracks me up) Academy Awards for presenting as yourselves all these decades!”

Wish someone would tell that one to R. Then again don’t know she’d hear it, she obviously needs to hide on this new D-train. Meanwhile the system is housed in these wool coats of inability to communicate. 

Ravin

BUILD IT, D.I.D.

We’ve had many levels of communication with each other in our system. For a long time we could talk face to face inside, then that fell away and we were forced back to journaling, annoying. Really we were all feeling like failures, well not the ones that were causing the separation, they were stoked. Our system is made up of a good many folk, some created by doctors and some by our own sellves.

Pith is reading volumes on childhood development, she wants to understand what was done at each stage and she believes emotional stages were used to their maximum benefit to those who mucked around in our mind/brain. All that mucking becomes the ‘development’ of our system, not created like some would have us believe, but nurtured and not in a ‘good’ way. We believe there has to be some sort of predisposition for multiplicity, since others have had trauma and not turned up with DID. One of the most documented survivor abuse are those of the Holocaust, there was extreme trauma with people ranging in all ages. There are no cases of DID, that’s we’ve found, in Holocaust survivors. Why? Why didn’t children subjected to those abuses develop DID?

Isolation

The adults/children of the Holocaust were not alone, they were part of a community that suffered the abuse together. That’s not to discount the abuse, but it had the component of community, ‘in this together,’ that children abused at home or in a cult don’t generally have.

Looking at our trauma history, it was all about isolation. It was personal. There was no community. Add to that the hook of ‘authentic love’ used to bind people in our system to the abuser and bingo we’re deep in DID territory that looks like it was created after the fact. Still isolation might be the factor in why some trauma can nurture DID while others don’t.

Natural Multiple VS Trauma Based

Here’s the thing, I starting to think they’re one in the same and that’s where predisposition comes to play. If it’s there and no trauma, GREAT, now it’s just about dealing with the day to day of being multiple. (Not that that’s nothing or something, just complicated.) But if all multiples are naturally so, it’s what’s done with that which becomes the system and can be manipulated. It’s become evident that our mind was mucked with by some very knowledgeable folk. People who discovered and nurtured our ability to be multiple to/for their own gains. Pretty damn nifty on their part actually. They apparently were pulling the strings right from the get go.

Still we’re ourselves, they may have called us front, but they didn’t make us multiple. They just used our natural set of selves called front to train and condition. There were those we, as a system, called front but they like the others were there in the soup. There are still more in that soup that have never been called front, sort of like embryos.

For decades we thought we knew what was up with ourselves and our system, then another level unfolded, we thought “okay that was shit, now we can get on with living,” then bottom falls out and we’re on some new level of dysfunction. It’s not that we’re helpless, it’s just frustrating to find out everything we thought we’d worked out/thru is now our goal. But hey, least we know we can get there, we did it before.

Ravin

DENIAL: Shut Off

Denial is a part of the “soul murder” that our perpetrators use to keep us forever in their control. What better way to ‘keep us under the thumb’ then to deny our own head-mates their lives that fill all those “empty spaces” in ones history.

Whether we believe our head-mates are parts or people they share a piece of the history of the body. The BODY is the only linear constant we DIDers have. The body has a right to be safe, it’s our responsibility to finally give it safe passage to a ‘regular life’ where the sky might fall, but is totally out of our control.

I think we forget that we’re not just our minds, that the body has been around for the ride the whole time. It’s been the horse we all rode/ride. It’s given us our survival as well, it withstood the torture, harm, near death and stood back up. It doesn’t have one mind riding but MANY and it deserves some cooperation on how it’s ridden. All the SI or near deaths it suffers because of our denial is just more abuse toward the body. How is that right?

Denial is hard to over come, no one says it’s easy. We were conditioned to deny, some of us from before birth. If just one of us steps off the D-train (dissociation) and takes the hand of another there’s really no going back to the closet our perpetrators thought was locked up tight.

Things happen and those walls go flying up, but someone remembers freedom, once tasted it gnaws the gut. It’s like the Passover service that reminds Jews of their journey out of slavery, not just out of the actual bonds, but the mind set of being a slave. It took 40 years because G-d wanted the Jews to over come their denial and enter the world free from the mind set of a slave. This meant when they built the new temple it would have a foundation of freedom. Recovery is just that, building a new temple with a foundation of freedom.

Denial is the bonds of slavery, heavy and hurtful, hard to throw off but worth doing. Even if it takes many many tries to succeed.

Ravin

MY OWN LITTLE X-FILE

I’ve been thinking again about the D-train (dissociation) and how it effects my life. Lets talk ‘bleed thru,” of the ickiness kind. Of that which was our childhood. More and more things are turning up in my level of knowledge. This stuff is NOT comfy. In fact it’s down right X-File! Really… No kidding around.

Pith has done all this research to find out who Ren & hers (and others inside)”doctors” were. What she’s found is just damn creepy and so out there it’s hard to write out loud. I’ve strived all these years to not be a “wingnut” and now it looks like we are by default.
There are HUGE dirty secrets our government doesn’t want known.
Those that talk about it are scorned and called paranoid. Not something I wana go plopping my tail in the middle. Yet I know what I’m experiencing is real, it happened. I wanted to call it imagination or screen memory, but they’re not. This stuff is out of my realm of experience and I’m not prissy. I’ve lived in the underbelly.

My head is a nasty place thanks to the Cold War.

Ravin

DISSOCIATIVE MOMMENT #253000000000

Here’s a great bit of dissociation for you all:

A friend of ours asked how long we’d been seeing our present talk-doc. I seriously looked at her and say, “I don’t know, maybe a year.”

WTF!!!

Now I ‘know’ we’ve been seeing the Doc longer. So I’m thinking, you know, couple years.

I just checked our bank account, hell, we’ve been seeing her since July, 2002. Damn, we’re good at this shit! I honestly had no idea it was actually that amount of time. We go into her office like we were just seeing her last week and it’s been almost ‘forever.’

I mean really, I go into the Doc’s office, I jump tracks and the train is running in a different time zone with someone else driving. Then the session ends, we trip the switch and another track is used to leave. Not to mention how what ever was dealt with in there is leveled out and left inside, so we can actually enter the world ‘normal’ enough to pass. Do that every session and recognition that over 8 years has passed gets lost in the wakeup.

I used to be all upset over the amount of time we’ve been attending “Therapy” but screw that, this took time decades to build, it’s bound to take time to reroute the trains.

There must be some time warp that goes on inside, like passing over time zones when flying.

Ravin

DISSOCIATION–404 PART I

Let start with a definition: A psychological defense mechanism in which specific, anxiety-provoking thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations are separated from the rest of the psyche. Dissociation can cause/be a state of acute mental decompensation (deterioration of mental health in person with previously maintained psychiatric illness/system functionality, leading to a diminished ability to think and carry on daily activities) in which certain thoughts, emotions, sensations, and/or memories are compartmentalized because they are too overwhelming for the conscious mind to integrate.

That’s pretty broad but it covers most of the bases. From here on the discussion deals with Multiples (w/trauma histories) and how dissociation effects/drives their life experiences. I will use ‘selves’ instead of ‘person/people’ in an attempt to be therapist friendly. NOTE: These are personal views w/extensive reading in the field.

Dissociation in a multiple has a great many faces, but for most it’s the mechanism which keeps the separation of selves, it does not ‘make’ the selves. Usually it’s not a deliberate use of the coping skill by multiples. Where there was trauma it was used when no other coping mechanism was available due to age and development. The nasty thing about dissociation; it becomes addictive and unlike alcohol, which is easy to identify as an addictive agent, dissociation can use itself to mask and hide it’s own use. It’s like putting a mirror up to another, it spirals into what can become a never ending cascade of dissociative moments. It’s a life that never really quite stays in the present, not a poor me broken, but a generally functioning person that skips across the surface like a flat stone.

If there’s been trauma to cause the dissociation it’s going to grow on itself to keep that trauma separate from the selves. That was the original purpose, sequester the threat to self so you (which ever self is present at the time of trauma) can survive. The catch, it’s never just used once, because trauma has the wicked side effect of being triggered in the present. Which means the reuse of dissociation to keep the new ‘threat’ sequestered and thus the spiral. Add more trauma to this whirlpool and you have a stew of trauma base dissociative stock. The selves start using dissociation to cope and keep the constant threat at bay only to find there’s no solid ground, no where that’s actually linear present.

We, as a multiples, walk into a therapist office for ‘help’ dealing with some perceived disfunction and all hell breaks in the above system of selves’ established protection. If you have no clue you’re even multiple, sadly you’re probably in for retraumatization from a mental health system that will marginalize and at times flat out re-abuse you in order to keep their own world view status quo. Society’s need to keep persons who’ve experienced trauma outside (societal dissociation) only serves to encourage continual dissociation to protect the selves from threat in the present while the past continues to loop. Added to that is the average therapist who has only a general knowledge of dissociation, it falls on the multiple to educate themselves and their therapist more times then not. At best therapists are laboring under the over used example of driving a car and getting to your destination without being present. Quaint, but doesn’t really cover the complexity of dissociation that’s used to hold a multiple systems in its centrifugal motion. This gets even more dangerous if the therapist has bought into the back-lash FMS community speak.

Somewhere in all the above is the hope that said multiple figures out the whirlpool they’ve been living in has a name. Name it and you have half a chance of getting a grip on something solid to build a co-op between the selves. Also the possibility of finding a therapist willing to take the journey through the mentally challenging work of entering the waters of dissociation without blaming the multiple is often dicey.

Jumping from Dissociation–201 to 404s.

You’ve figured out you’re multiple, that now becomes your base, you walk back into a therapist’s office looking to deal with the blow-out of your centrifugal motion. We’ll make it a given that this new therapist is willing to work with a multiple client. Unless this therapist has worked some years in the field of DID, they probably haven’t experienced working with the level of dissociation you as a multiple are bringing. Still if they’ve worked with PTSD and trauma they’ve at least had exposure to dissociation. What they might not have ever grasped is the degree to which this one coping mechanism can feed off itself and mutate. They run the risk of being overwhelmed and burnt out by the degree to which their own capacity to witness and redirect the selves is sorely tested.

Dissociation is hard to wade through, it can make a therapist ‘crazy’ if it isn’t recognized up front as the coping skill being used. A multiple who’s never had a chance to learn and use anything else can set up hazards lights all over the place so that all they and the therapist see is reflections of bright lights. Remember these hazard lights are there to keep the system safe. It takes patience, understanding and (gentle but firm) confrontation on the part of the therapist to help the selves first see there’s a possibility of safety without dissociating. This is by no means an easy task and will not happen without work by both parties building a foundation of the most basic trust.

When trauma causes the use of dissociation it’s going to be entangled in everything. It will be part of the selves personal use and part of the system’s architecture. There will be layer upon layer of dissociated material/history. The idea is to keep the trauma buried, to protect the perpetrator at all cost (not consciously). So any attempt to circumvent the dissociation will cause a scramble to set up new walls/road blocks or more trance to forget. Not forget as in not remember, but as in ‘put away’ because it shouldn’t be seen.

If severe trauma through torture was experienced the selves have probably been conditioned to never seek each other’s councel. The difference in this dissociation of the selves is a deliberate use of the mechanism to keep actual selves from ever communicating. The idea is if they never hear each other’s history they will never be able to tell enough to be believed, they will never ‘know’ themselves. Getting these selves to tell their history ‘together’ is one way to break through the dissociative separation of selves. Not toward integrating selves but simply the communication between selves. For example: Mary experiences the putting of vile things into her vagina, there’s a switch of selves, Jane is now present for the emptying of her vagina of vile things and she is promptly told it’s proof of her being evil. If the two never speak the truth of what was done, a realization of the lie/abuse won’t be possible. Dissociation keeps the selves experiencing the world and events in black and white thinking, it keep them from knowing the truth.

Dissociation has to be ‘given up’ as a primary coping skill, which means learning to live with the ambiguities of life, no easy change. This takes time and work, guided through repetition of confrontation, questioning and a realignment of the selves toward a position of cooperation for ‘the greater good’ of the system. The therapist’s task (should they accept) is to provide a safe place to ‘tell,’ to be a compassionate witness and partner in the journey through the past and present, as well as be strong enough to withstand the crashing waves, of reenactment of past trauma, with the benevolent power of sand. Of course there’s more to the therapeutic relationship and hopefully that’s already been covered in the training and experience of the therapist taking said journey.

So that’s my first installment. Questions & comments welcome.

Ravin

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